More ramblings..

The boy is now 25 weeks old. Still longer in there than out here. How strange, as it seems he has been in our family always.

My head is all over the place. I feel the urge to escape from everyone to find some precious space but I lack the energy to do anything about it. I dream guiltlessly of a day alone, to do exactly what I want to when I choose, without thinking of others first or fulfilling chores. I'd wear only pjs or slouchy clothes and gorge myself on much-missed books and tunes. I'd go out for coffee and read the paper thoroughly and silently. I would go shopping and regain my previous passion for fashion instead of the mummy uniform of tshirt and jeans I have fallen into wearing daily. I'd sleep, oh yes, I would sleep lots and I wouldn't have to have one eye open and one ear listening for what might be.

Best of all I'd miss them all and would recapture that aching sense of love, infact in writing this paragraph I have realised that I'm not yet ready for time away from my babies but I'm building up to it and slowly formulating a plan for next year - all I have to decide is spa or west end rave up and I will finally emerge from this mummy cocoon as me again.

I have been thinking (in the early hours, sat in darkness, feeding the boy) about my life.

I have birthed two beautiful babies

I have had two major abdominal surgeries (see above, just 'cos c-section is common doesn't make it any less major)

I have endured heart-break of the sort I never imagined possible and certainly considered intolerable, and come out smiling.

I had 10 years of infertility and all the stuff that goes with that (talk about your head being a mess let alone any other part of you)

I have worked hard at all the jobs I had and excelled (modest eh?) at all of them

I have lived and worked in very difficult circumstancs, had daily threats of violence and been at the end of a gun during an armed robbery

I have socialised with people who choose an alternative lifestyle to me (ambiguous I know but details not necessary!)

In spite of all of the above, six months without a full nights sleep is without doubt the hardest experience I have ever known.

After saying all of the above, I watched the Princess at ballet today and was filled with pride at my beautiful, clever, elegant girl as she danced her way (almost) perfectly around the room. I listened as she held a conversation with another adult, independent of me and how she expressed herself so wonderfully.

The boy now has two teeth and is becoming a cheeky, funny little boy who loves company and enjoys a party (sound familiar?).

I love them both so much that I feel I could burst but sometime soon, I have to become me again instead of 'just' Mummy. This doesn't mean I am thinking of going back to work - far from it! but there is a little bit of me that wonders where I will be in five years time. What will life bring me and my little family, I hope whatever is ahead of us will be exciting and bring the kids happiness, this is all waffle to you I know but there is stuff in my head and plans are being formulated.....